Being Seen

The complexity of the playground is not just for when you were a child! Unfortunately, the intricacies of our social structure continue on forever, even when we are parents sizing each other up across the heads of our children.

The school that my son attends is really lovely and I don't have any particular issues with the other mums but I do have to accept that there is still a sense of social hierarchy and appropriateness. We aren't all socially ept or always socially ept and accepting that as a starting point has been very beneficial for me. Interpret that to mean forgiving myself when I am unable to focus on a conversation because I am too busy working out where my younger child has gone or whether I will be able to ask that other mum whether her son wants to come for a play date.

Recently I was reading Buddhism for Mothers of Schoolchildren by Sarah Napthali, in particular, the section on "The Need to be Seen". It resonated for me, not for any conscious need that I have personally 'to be seen', but because I realised that by actually 'seeing' others in the school yard as you drop off and pick up your children, you meet a need within them. And by meeting this need you create a space of shared experiences and connectedness that perhaps helps us all feel a little less self conscious.

I remember when I studied Psychology, I found the idea of "normalising" to be really obvious. That is, when someone expresses an issue you discuss how normal that feeling or situation is and highlight the universal experience. Although we are all unique and special, most of our experiences are not. This helps the other person to feel comfortable expressing their feelings and then to feel ok about what is happening for them.

So it is with "being seen". In that moment when you lock eyes with another person and smile, you are giving a little nod to their inner self, their inner voices, their experiences, and saying "I am so with you, honey!".

After all, we are all in this together. Right?

Mindfulness

It has been interesting to watch just how mindful myself and my husband are with the children. I am absolutely sure that all of us do not pay enough attention to our children. I noticed a number of times when my kids had to say either mum or dad five or more times before we responded.  On the flip side, it is rare for me to get a response from my children without calling out for them more than once!

But for a child, what are they learning or taking on when we don't respond to them as soon as we can? Will they perhaps give up on asking us questions? Do they start to feel that what they have to say is not really valued? I wonder...

I adore Twitter and the lovely community that I have developed there, but it does take me away from my children from time to time and not in a good way.  This could be true of many past times that we have such as watching sports, reading books and magazines, surfing the net for good recipes and the like.

As a mum who also runs a business, I have learnt the value in dividing my day into segments where I focus on particular activities. This includes assigning clear times for my children, my work, my housework, fitness and social time (oh, and my marriage). Like all good mothers, I have to be flexible and know that my days never go to plan. Like right now! Better get back to the children - they are fascinated with my typing and I had better be mindful of them.

What choices are you making in this moment for your relationship with your children?