I have been foraying into the bushes and under growth that border my journey of parenthood. Meaning, I have been venturing off the calm, tranquil path into the frenzy of negative emotions particularly frustration and anger.
Having been overseas on my OWN for 11 days, experiencing a myriad of magical moments, did leave me with a short fuse over the last week. I was extremely happy to see my children and delighted in who they were, for an afternoon..... Then the routine of school drop offs, homework, housework, paid work and the usual juggle took over and my tranquility got lost somewhere between the lunch boxes and the washing machine.
During a conversation with my husband over dinner last night, followed up with a sequel over breakfast this morning, it came to me, that in order to do the best by my darling son I could follow the mantra "be gentle". Our eldest is a dreamy boy. Doesn't listen particularly well (selective hearing), only manages to do those things that he is really interested in, first response to any idea is "no thank you", chooses the path of least resistance, and would sit all day in front of a screen (television, wii, ds, iPhone) if you let him. He also doesn't seem to respond terribly well to my ranting and raving. He just becomes more introverted and distant albeit slightly more compliant. It doesn't help him learn how to be better. I have heard him of late saying things to his younger sister that have come out of my mouth and, man, they sound terrible!
So my plan is to get back on the path. Accept that he is what he is. And who he is now is not a reflection of who he will become. Be gentle in my directions to him to see if he in turn will be gentle to his sister. I believe that the world needs more love so surely I can control my emotional state in order to be more loving to my son in the hopes that he will be more loving.
My mother has always said, "you can only pour in the love and know that it will come out again someday." Truly unconditional. My mantra - "be gentle". And I guess that includes being gentle to myself.
29 May 2011
24 May 2011
Email from my mother
I was recently on holiday overseas without my children and husband. I got labelled "runaway mum". During my time staying with my girlfriends I emailed my mother about how absolutely wonderful it was to have interesting conversations that weren't interrupted. Here is some of her reply. Pertinent musings from my feminist mother.... I cherish her with all my heart.
"Perhaps you can understand why I loved going to uni so much. Years of deprivation of interesting conversation. I don’t know how you have coped with the mothers group all these years. I preferred loneliness to baby and recipe talk as it was in all those years ago. I never met the childless girls perhaps if I had I would have been stimulated like you.
How I kept myself sane was to tell Dad that I was doing my MA degree, MA as in mother. Unwittingly you choose motherhood but there is a way to go yet. At least you have school hours where you can grab some sanity and no interruptions. But when the children are with you there are still other levels you need to reach. Now they need you in small ways but these become more complicated. You may be dealing with one child of two another of fifty two all at the same time . One wants to know how to do a sum another some historical question and if you don’t know the aussie history then you get "the look"…...
Some where along the line you are no longer the expert, your children are….. To add to this confusion there is never a clear demarcation line, just fluctuations along the line leaving you to wonder whether you are the one that might know or not in that particular instant.
As time goes on things do improve and it is a delightful period to have near adults living with you.
On second thoughts , I don’t think that a masters degree covers the personal growth and knowledge you require to weather motherhood. Perhaps it is MA to the power of ten and some days to the power of a hundred. Can you remember how irate your sister would get if I put a power on something because how could I put a mathematical figure on something unmathematical. I would be nearly under the table with laughter at the indignation.
I must tell you that I am reading a book written by Doris Lessing. She was a feminist writer in the 50’s and I am curled up with laughter at how nothing has changed, we are so locked in our culture at this period of time. But we knew that, didn’t we?"
"Perhaps you can understand why I loved going to uni so much. Years of deprivation of interesting conversation. I don’t know how you have coped with the mothers group all these years. I preferred loneliness to baby and recipe talk as it was in all those years ago. I never met the childless girls perhaps if I had I would have been stimulated like you.
How I kept myself sane was to tell Dad that I was doing my MA degree, MA as in mother. Unwittingly you choose motherhood but there is a way to go yet. At least you have school hours where you can grab some sanity and no interruptions. But when the children are with you there are still other levels you need to reach. Now they need you in small ways but these become more complicated. You may be dealing with one child of two another of fifty two all at the same time . One wants to know how to do a sum another some historical question and if you don’t know the aussie history then you get "the look"…...
Some where along the line you are no longer the expert, your children are….. To add to this confusion there is never a clear demarcation line, just fluctuations along the line leaving you to wonder whether you are the one that might know or not in that particular instant.
As time goes on things do improve and it is a delightful period to have near adults living with you.
On second thoughts , I don’t think that a masters degree covers the personal growth and knowledge you require to weather motherhood. Perhaps it is MA to the power of ten and some days to the power of a hundred. Can you remember how irate your sister would get if I put a power on something because how could I put a mathematical figure on something unmathematical. I would be nearly under the table with laughter at the indignation.
I must tell you that I am reading a book written by Doris Lessing. She was a feminist writer in the 50’s and I am curled up with laughter at how nothing has changed, we are so locked in our culture at this period of time. But we knew that, didn’t we?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)