Meanderings

This post is going to meander around the most recent thoughts I have been having about life.

Jokingly, on the weekend, my brother and I agreed that I obviously think too much. He manages to go running without music whereas I find I need a little something in the background distracting a part of my mind. Otherwise I start over analysing what is going on with my breathing, my body, my stride and how much I want to stop lol.

So here is some of my over analysing! I came back from a recent family holiday feeling extremely relaxed and accepting. My goal is to continue being in this space and in particular ensuring that I am "gentle" with my children. I think I have admitted before that I have a temper and keeping this under control with my children is my constant journey. Running and meditation work a treat to help me. I know in my heart that my boy will benefit immensely from having a gentle, loving mum as he is an over thinker like me. I will continue to work hard for him on my personal demons.

I also have been horrified by the situation in Syria and the use of children to ride on tanks and other atrocities that have been reported. It reminds me again of the gift of our affluent lives cushioned as we are, here, down under. I feel that it is important for me to take this gift and make the absolute most of it, the best of it, in respect for those who are suffering if not just for the gift itself. This thinking helps me to let go of little issues and focus on the important aspects of fostering love and compassion.

In order to make the most of this gift I have also been considering what limits we put on ourselves when we dare to dream. I was saying to my husband just yesterday that we shouldn't just think in terms of where we currently live or what we are currently doing but broaden our minds to take in even the most whimsical of thoughts in order to consider the best way for us to embody our passions. We have the opportunity to do what we love so lets make it the best it can be and not put boundaries around it.

Saying that, I have been finding joy in so many little things that I think it doesn't matter where you are, so long as you are mindfully in the moment. I find happiness in sitting at my desk at work, quietly typing away. The peace of working from home when I can, alone in my own space. The laughter of playing board games with my children. The rush after a good, hard, long run. The loving look in my husband's eyes, the joy I feel being with him. Surely the list can be endless.

I do dream of sunshine and a warm place - my usual winter longing. And I wonder about my attachment to people and places, would I give it all away for a beach view?

Ah, so many thoughts passing across the sky that is my mind.

Lost and Found

Had a fabulous night in with a dear girlfriend last night. We often share stories about our experience of motherhood, wife-hood, and balancing our personal passions in life. Something I know to be true is that motherhood (parenthood) has been my making and also my undoing.

Hence, I started to think about how I am in the "lost and found" box at the local swimming pool. I have lost myself in parenthood and also found myself. Tacky? Cliched? Let me explain.

I lost my independence starting at 6 months pregnant when I couldn't move the way I wanted. I found my sense of joy in knowing that I was making a little person inside my body.

I lost my desire for an exciting career and found the desire for a good night's sleep to be so much more important.

I lost my status of breadwinner in the family home and found I could actually rely on others, and it was ok.

I lost myself, my identity as a feminist, a professional, a "successful" woman and found the peace of an afternoon in the sun, the joy of actually getting something done like a clean load of washing on the line.

And again, I lost my independence, my ability to be selfish, to do what I want when I want without considering anyone else. And found that my mother was true, we are all 2 year olds having tantrums when we can't have our way, it is a very thin veneer. I also found that it is better to share the experience of life and to see it in a completely different light, interpreted through those childish eyes that we have forgotten we once had.

I have lost my sense of self, passion and purpose. I found my joy, resilience, and mental toughness.

And what is life but the love we have for each other?

I will not wait for the children to fly the nest before reclaiming my journey in life. I will find the balance of my personal passion and my responsibilities in order to give them an interesting mother.

Children need interesting mothers.