I had one of those transforming conversations last week. The kind where a gentle light bulb goes off in your head. An 'aha' moment. I was chatting to my mum about my parenting and how I had recently felt judged for the way in which I cared for my children.
Let's take a moment to be candid - I too have been guilty of judging others. I don't like feeling judged and yet I sometimes find myself making judgments about other parents. Not good. I am a work in progress on rectifying that one.
Anyway, the comment about my parenting was made by a good friend of mine with great intentions and I wasn't particularly upset by it, but it did cause me some reflection. It gave me pause to assess my beliefs about parenting and what is at the core of my approach. I don't think we get enough time to actually reflect on our parenting, we are too busy doing it!
My mother and I talked about her theory of "keep pouring the love in and it will come out again somewhere, sometime". I love this concept. And I have to admit that it did work for my siblings and I. We are all very caring and compassionate individuals (if I do so say myself). My 'aha' moment came when I realised that I had to be true to myself. I had to be true to my beliefs about the world and what I am wanting from my relationship with my children. I fundamentally believe in the power of compassion.
I have reframed the parenting approach and call it "kindness". I am acting with kindness towards my children. When I start to feel frustrated and annoyed, I take a check of my emotions, calm my mind, and put on my kind voice. The kinder I am to my children, the kinder they will be to each other, their friends and hopefully, over time, the wider community (well, that is the plan).
And why not give it a try! I feel so much better for catching myself and thinking "kindness". This parenting philosophy makes me feel good about the way I treat my children, provides me with many more opportunities for connecting with them on a personal level and building those relationships which will be critical once I hit the chaos of the teenage years.
I still have boundaries - it is not about allowing them to behave badly - it is about addressing those issues with compassion and a quiet voice. I have already seen much improvement in their responses to me. After all, one of the main ways they learn is through modelling behaviour.
I think through why they might be acting the way that they are. It could be that they are tired, over stimulated, haven't eaten enough. There are always a myriad of reasons why children behave badly and it is rare that it is out of some vindictive need to torment their mother no matter how often it feels that must be the case.
Over the past week I have been considerably more attentive to their needs and finding that they are much more considerate of mine (could be imagining things...).
I'll keep you posted as to how it goes, but my husband and I have had a great chat about it and we are agreed. Our parenting approach is first and foremost "kindness". Pour in the love!
20 July 2010
18 June 2010
Being Seen
The complexity of the playground is not just for when you were a child! Unfortunately, the intricacies of our social structure continue on forever, even when we are parents sizing each other up across the heads of our children.
The school that my son attends is really lovely and I don't have any particular issues with the other mums but I do have to accept that there is still a sense of social hierarchy and appropriateness. We aren't all socially ept or always socially ept and accepting that as a starting point has been very beneficial for me. Interpret that to mean forgiving myself when I am unable to focus on a conversation because I am too busy working out where my younger child has gone or whether I will be able to ask that other mum whether her son wants to come for a play date.
Recently I was reading Buddhism for Mothers of Schoolchildren by Sarah Napthali, in particular, the section on "The Need to be Seen". It resonated for me, not for any conscious need that I have personally 'to be seen', but because I realised that by actually 'seeing' others in the school yard as you drop off and pick up your children, you meet a need within them. And by meeting this need you create a space of shared experiences and connectedness that perhaps helps us all feel a little less self conscious.
I remember when I studied Psychology, I found the idea of "normalising" to be really obvious. That is, when someone expresses an issue you discuss how normal that feeling or situation is and highlight the universal experience. Although we are all unique and special, most of our experiences are not. This helps the other person to feel comfortable expressing their feelings and then to feel ok about what is happening for them.
So it is with "being seen". In that moment when you lock eyes with another person and smile, you are giving a little nod to their inner self, their inner voices, their experiences, and saying "I am so with you, honey!".
After all, we are all in this together. Right?
The school that my son attends is really lovely and I don't have any particular issues with the other mums but I do have to accept that there is still a sense of social hierarchy and appropriateness. We aren't all socially ept or always socially ept and accepting that as a starting point has been very beneficial for me. Interpret that to mean forgiving myself when I am unable to focus on a conversation because I am too busy working out where my younger child has gone or whether I will be able to ask that other mum whether her son wants to come for a play date.
Recently I was reading Buddhism for Mothers of Schoolchildren by Sarah Napthali, in particular, the section on "The Need to be Seen". It resonated for me, not for any conscious need that I have personally 'to be seen', but because I realised that by actually 'seeing' others in the school yard as you drop off and pick up your children, you meet a need within them. And by meeting this need you create a space of shared experiences and connectedness that perhaps helps us all feel a little less self conscious.
I remember when I studied Psychology, I found the idea of "normalising" to be really obvious. That is, when someone expresses an issue you discuss how normal that feeling or situation is and highlight the universal experience. Although we are all unique and special, most of our experiences are not. This helps the other person to feel comfortable expressing their feelings and then to feel ok about what is happening for them.
So it is with "being seen". In that moment when you lock eyes with another person and smile, you are giving a little nod to their inner self, their inner voices, their experiences, and saying "I am so with you, honey!".
After all, we are all in this together. Right?
17 June 2010
Mindfulness
It has been interesting to watch just how mindful myself and my husband are with the children. I am absolutely sure that all of us do not pay enough attention to our children. I noticed a number of times when my kids had to say either mum or dad five or more times before we responded. On the flip side, it is rare for me to get a response from my children without calling out for them more than once!
But for a child, what are they learning or taking on when we don't respond to them as soon as we can? Will they perhaps give up on asking us questions? Do they start to feel that what they have to say is not really valued? I wonder...
I adore Twitter and the lovely community that I have developed there, but it does take me away from my children from time to time and not in a good way. This could be true of many past times that we have such as watching sports, reading books and magazines, surfing the net for good recipes and the like.
As a mum who also runs a business, I have learnt the value in dividing my day into segments where I focus on particular activities. This includes assigning clear times for my children, my work, my housework, fitness and social time (oh, and my marriage). Like all good mothers, I have to be flexible and know that my days never go to plan. Like right now! Better get back to the children - they are fascinated with my typing and I had better be mindful of them.
What choices are you making in this moment for your relationship with your children?
But for a child, what are they learning or taking on when we don't respond to them as soon as we can? Will they perhaps give up on asking us questions? Do they start to feel that what they have to say is not really valued? I wonder...
I adore Twitter and the lovely community that I have developed there, but it does take me away from my children from time to time and not in a good way. This could be true of many past times that we have such as watching sports, reading books and magazines, surfing the net for good recipes and the like.
As a mum who also runs a business, I have learnt the value in dividing my day into segments where I focus on particular activities. This includes assigning clear times for my children, my work, my housework, fitness and social time (oh, and my marriage). Like all good mothers, I have to be flexible and know that my days never go to plan. Like right now! Better get back to the children - they are fascinated with my typing and I had better be mindful of them.
What choices are you making in this moment for your relationship with your children?
30 May 2010
Feel your heart swell
Unfortunately, my running blog hasn't been established as yet, so I am going to have to blog this post here.... I am too fired up to actually manage to find the time to write it and then have nowhere to post it.
So, what am I fired up about right now? Right now, I am reveling in that wonderful feeling that comes from having watched an inspiring video. A running video.
But it doesn't have to be a running video, or any kind of sport for that matter. You know the videos I am talking about. Those videos that have you captivated. The music is perfect, the story resonates with your soul, and evokes feelings in you that make your heart swell. For some of us, our eyes tear up, our throats tighten, and we are totally focused on what we are seeing, there is nothing else that could possibly distract us from completely dissolving ourselves into what we are vicariously experiencing.
This week, for me, it was the Boston Marathon and Josh Cox of Powerbar pacing one of the runners, Geoff, to his first sub-3 hour marathon. What was it that got me? It was my ability to be able to relate to the desire for a specific time and to want to achieve something that has eluded you for so long but you just know inside yourself that you can do it.
It was the shot of the "group" running for 2:50. You can hear Josh saying, "this is the group", and it takes you to your place in a race. You might not know the other runners around you, but you start to label them. "Pink shirt & pony tail girl", "Guy in the red Nike shorts", or whatever feature you decide to define about them. A group of you start to pace together and this creates a bond out of thin air. You find yourself looking out for your "group" as you go through the drink stations. You hope that no one drops back. You find yourself saying some words to the girl in front who starts to drop her pace, doing what you can to inspire her even though your own legs are calling for a stop.
We don't "race" each other, we race "together".
I was also touched by some of the things that Josh had to say, like "your heart will get you through". He is so right. When your legs are heavy and your lungs are hurting, it isn't just your head that gets you through, but your heart. Your love for running, your love for achieving personal goals, your love for the freedom and space - whatever it is for you.
But in the end, feel your heart swell and just know, it is all about love.
So, what am I fired up about right now? Right now, I am reveling in that wonderful feeling that comes from having watched an inspiring video. A running video.
But it doesn't have to be a running video, or any kind of sport for that matter. You know the videos I am talking about. Those videos that have you captivated. The music is perfect, the story resonates with your soul, and evokes feelings in you that make your heart swell. For some of us, our eyes tear up, our throats tighten, and we are totally focused on what we are seeing, there is nothing else that could possibly distract us from completely dissolving ourselves into what we are vicariously experiencing.
This week, for me, it was the Boston Marathon and Josh Cox of Powerbar pacing one of the runners, Geoff, to his first sub-3 hour marathon. What was it that got me? It was my ability to be able to relate to the desire for a specific time and to want to achieve something that has eluded you for so long but you just know inside yourself that you can do it.
It was the shot of the "group" running for 2:50. You can hear Josh saying, "this is the group", and it takes you to your place in a race. You might not know the other runners around you, but you start to label them. "Pink shirt & pony tail girl", "Guy in the red Nike shorts", or whatever feature you decide to define about them. A group of you start to pace together and this creates a bond out of thin air. You find yourself looking out for your "group" as you go through the drink stations. You hope that no one drops back. You find yourself saying some words to the girl in front who starts to drop her pace, doing what you can to inspire her even though your own legs are calling for a stop.
We don't "race" each other, we race "together".
I was also touched by some of the things that Josh had to say, like "your heart will get you through". He is so right. When your legs are heavy and your lungs are hurting, it isn't just your head that gets you through, but your heart. Your love for running, your love for achieving personal goals, your love for the freedom and space - whatever it is for you.
But in the end, feel your heart swell and just know, it is all about love.
01 May 2010
The importance of being selfish
I have noticed that I have become a little more selfish than I used to be... And all for good reason.
As parents we often put the needs of our children before our own. This is a remarkable part of biology that we are so hard wired to respond to every demand of our child starting with those little "mew" sounds they make in the first few days. Now that my children are getting older I am starting to think about the impact of my actions on their development.
I was recently reading in Buddhism for Mothers of School Children (Sarah Napthali) the importance of allowing your children to experience discomfort. This resonated with me. How will our children grow up to face the challenges that life throw at them if they have had no experience of the smaller sufferings that can happen on a day to day basis.
Let's think about the simple examples in our lives. Heading out to the supermarket with your newborn and toddler which turns into a recipe for disaster. Quickly ducking out to do something forgetting that rain has been forecast and getting soaking wet. Carrying heavy shopping bags and a child through the local shopping centre until your arms ache. Flat tire on your car. Phone stops working. Laptop battery runs out in the middle of an important conference. On it goes including those incidents that leave you worn out and frazzled. Now, you made it through all that discomfort, but how do you think your children will fair?
My children are getting older and I can now see the importance of them developing emotional and physical resilience. No longer am I jumping at their every request and I am making sure that my husband doesn't either. I consider all the little decisions during the day which may enable them to learn how to manage themselves and take responsibility for what they do. It is a tough process as my hard wiring kicks in, but really, parenthood is ALL about guilt, so what is a little more when I know that it is for the greater good?
So what exactly am I doing? Well, I allow my children to be "bored" and find their own entertainment. I make my children carry their bags to and from school and kinder. I give them the space to work out their own fights - so long as no one gets hurt (too badly). I let them walk in the rain, get wet feet in the puddles, wear themselves out completely, climb too high in the trees, ride their scooters beyond tired. And many other simple things. Pushing them when they have had enough to just keep on going is slowly helping them to experience tiredness in their bodies and know how to manage it. By developing their own strategies for dealing with each other during play time means they are better when with their friends.
It is slowly all coming together and I am finding I am less emotionally caught up (read: roller coaster has flatten out) and I have more time for other things which make me a better mother.
As parents we often put the needs of our children before our own. This is a remarkable part of biology that we are so hard wired to respond to every demand of our child starting with those little "mew" sounds they make in the first few days. Now that my children are getting older I am starting to think about the impact of my actions on their development.
I was recently reading in Buddhism for Mothers of School Children (Sarah Napthali) the importance of allowing your children to experience discomfort. This resonated with me. How will our children grow up to face the challenges that life throw at them if they have had no experience of the smaller sufferings that can happen on a day to day basis.
Let's think about the simple examples in our lives. Heading out to the supermarket with your newborn and toddler which turns into a recipe for disaster. Quickly ducking out to do something forgetting that rain has been forecast and getting soaking wet. Carrying heavy shopping bags and a child through the local shopping centre until your arms ache. Flat tire on your car. Phone stops working. Laptop battery runs out in the middle of an important conference. On it goes including those incidents that leave you worn out and frazzled. Now, you made it through all that discomfort, but how do you think your children will fair?
My children are getting older and I can now see the importance of them developing emotional and physical resilience. No longer am I jumping at their every request and I am making sure that my husband doesn't either. I consider all the little decisions during the day which may enable them to learn how to manage themselves and take responsibility for what they do. It is a tough process as my hard wiring kicks in, but really, parenthood is ALL about guilt, so what is a little more when I know that it is for the greater good?
So what exactly am I doing? Well, I allow my children to be "bored" and find their own entertainment. I make my children carry their bags to and from school and kinder. I give them the space to work out their own fights - so long as no one gets hurt (too badly). I let them walk in the rain, get wet feet in the puddles, wear themselves out completely, climb too high in the trees, ride their scooters beyond tired. And many other simple things. Pushing them when they have had enough to just keep on going is slowly helping them to experience tiredness in their bodies and know how to manage it. By developing their own strategies for dealing with each other during play time means they are better when with their friends.
It is slowly all coming together and I am finding I am less emotionally caught up (read: roller coaster has flatten out) and I have more time for other things which make me a better mother.
03 April 2010
When in doubt... don't.
Ever since Christmas, my husband and I have been having fairly indepth conversations about our business and our strategy for this year. These chats always include an investigation into the meaning of life and our "purpose" (if there is one). Most recently we have examined the desire for "success" and what is meant by that term in our culture. This has led me to examine how even parents have to "succeed" and what this looks like and the impact on our children.
At its most basic, we spend time not working in the best interest of our children, but in the best interest of how we "look" as parents. This is a fairly repulsive idea, and perhaps some of you are denying that you do this. It is ok, I can admit to it. As a fairly simple example, my daughter is pretty much a tomboy and chooses to dress herself on a regular basis, which does not make for a visually pleasant outcome. I have negotiated with (read: manipulated) her to change what she is wearing so that she looks half decent. Who am I doing that for? Obviously, me. Wouldn't it be more useful to allow her to continue to express her independence and individuality? Yes, is the answer.
Being a successful parent can also mean ensuring that your children attend all the "right" events. Are they booked in to swimming lessons, the local football, cricket, dance classes, karate, tennis or whatever else is accepted or expected socially? I have decided that my children are only going to do those things that they show an avid interest in and to be honest, I don't have any preferences as to what that might be. My son is showing an aptitude for dancing so I am currently encouraging that and letting him know what is available. Meanwhile my gorgeous girl is fixated on karate.
Spending time thinking about how I am doing as a parent and what other people think of me or my children, really is time that could be much better spent focussing on loving them, compassion for others and just having a good time together. All this talk of "success" in relation to our business has made it easy for me to conclude that life is all about the relationships we have with each other. How much compassion and love we give ourselves and others, what difference we make in each moment.
Where else do we have such an opportunity to make a difference if not in the way we raise our children, the values we instill in them, in the love that we give them. Be great at it and enjoy yourself.
At its most basic, we spend time not working in the best interest of our children, but in the best interest of how we "look" as parents. This is a fairly repulsive idea, and perhaps some of you are denying that you do this. It is ok, I can admit to it. As a fairly simple example, my daughter is pretty much a tomboy and chooses to dress herself on a regular basis, which does not make for a visually pleasant outcome. I have negotiated with (read: manipulated) her to change what she is wearing so that she looks half decent. Who am I doing that for? Obviously, me. Wouldn't it be more useful to allow her to continue to express her independence and individuality? Yes, is the answer.
Being a successful parent can also mean ensuring that your children attend all the "right" events. Are they booked in to swimming lessons, the local football, cricket, dance classes, karate, tennis or whatever else is accepted or expected socially? I have decided that my children are only going to do those things that they show an avid interest in and to be honest, I don't have any preferences as to what that might be. My son is showing an aptitude for dancing so I am currently encouraging that and letting him know what is available. Meanwhile my gorgeous girl is fixated on karate.
Spending time thinking about how I am doing as a parent and what other people think of me or my children, really is time that could be much better spent focussing on loving them, compassion for others and just having a good time together. All this talk of "success" in relation to our business has made it easy for me to conclude that life is all about the relationships we have with each other. How much compassion and love we give ourselves and others, what difference we make in each moment.
Where else do we have such an opportunity to make a difference if not in the way we raise our children, the values we instill in them, in the love that we give them. Be great at it and enjoy yourself.
06 March 2010
Let go
This blog site isn't going as I had planned or as stated in my intention to the right hand side over there. All I can say is, oh well. And this is the topic for today's article.
The BIGGEST improvement I have made as a parent and a person, is to let go of my attachment to my desires. Do not be fooled into believing that this means being dispassionate, it is rather a sense of accepting and allowing. It is the most liberating thing in my life. Now there is a grand statement for you.
As a parent, we have countless 'desires' all day long. The desire for our child to hurry up and get their shoes on so we can get out of the door on time for school. The desire to be able to write a blog article without being interrupted. The desire to have an uninterrupted conversation with a friend. A desire for our child to eat their dinner, get their teeth brushed, get their clothes on without nagging, be nice, use their manners, be helpful rather than having a screaming tantrum in the middle of the supermarket, and so it goes on.
I haven't had one of those overnight transformations, rather it has been building over the last year or so. I am slowly increasing the number of times in a day that I STOP and turn my focus to the emotion that is building within me, and label it as my friend 'frustration'. I then ask myself, what difference is one minute going to make to getting to school on time? I can slow myself down and ask my child nicely to move a little quicker in getting his shoes on. I feel better because I haven't yelled. He feels better because he hasn't been yelled at, and we only get to school one minute later than hoped. The other added benefit, is the increase in peaceful feelings that arise because I have taken a moment to return to an observation state rather than being "in" the emotion.
Letting go and allowing things to be as they are rather than get so attached to having things be a particular way, has helped me in many areas of my life. I have always been pretty accepting of others, but now I have a real sense of allowing others to walk their journey. I can make comment or observation on how others are choosing to live, but not attach judgment to those observations - rather see them with interest.
I am more readily able to see how truly magnificent my life is and the small amount of suffering that I endure - most of which is self inflicted, let's be honest.
Allowing creates happiness and peace and we all just want to be happy, right?
The BIGGEST improvement I have made as a parent and a person, is to let go of my attachment to my desires. Do not be fooled into believing that this means being dispassionate, it is rather a sense of accepting and allowing. It is the most liberating thing in my life. Now there is a grand statement for you.
As a parent, we have countless 'desires' all day long. The desire for our child to hurry up and get their shoes on so we can get out of the door on time for school. The desire to be able to write a blog article without being interrupted. The desire to have an uninterrupted conversation with a friend. A desire for our child to eat their dinner, get their teeth brushed, get their clothes on without nagging, be nice, use their manners, be helpful rather than having a screaming tantrum in the middle of the supermarket, and so it goes on.
I haven't had one of those overnight transformations, rather it has been building over the last year or so. I am slowly increasing the number of times in a day that I STOP and turn my focus to the emotion that is building within me, and label it as my friend 'frustration'. I then ask myself, what difference is one minute going to make to getting to school on time? I can slow myself down and ask my child nicely to move a little quicker in getting his shoes on. I feel better because I haven't yelled. He feels better because he hasn't been yelled at, and we only get to school one minute later than hoped. The other added benefit, is the increase in peaceful feelings that arise because I have taken a moment to return to an observation state rather than being "in" the emotion.
Letting go and allowing things to be as they are rather than get so attached to having things be a particular way, has helped me in many areas of my life. I have always been pretty accepting of others, but now I have a real sense of allowing others to walk their journey. I can make comment or observation on how others are choosing to live, but not attach judgment to those observations - rather see them with interest.
I am more readily able to see how truly magnificent my life is and the small amount of suffering that I endure - most of which is self inflicted, let's be honest.
Allowing creates happiness and peace and we all just want to be happy, right?
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