Meanderings

This post is going to meander around the most recent thoughts I have been having about life.

Jokingly, on the weekend, my brother and I agreed that I obviously think too much. He manages to go running without music whereas I find I need a little something in the background distracting a part of my mind. Otherwise I start over analysing what is going on with my breathing, my body, my stride and how much I want to stop lol.

So here is some of my over analysing! I came back from a recent family holiday feeling extremely relaxed and accepting. My goal is to continue being in this space and in particular ensuring that I am "gentle" with my children. I think I have admitted before that I have a temper and keeping this under control with my children is my constant journey. Running and meditation work a treat to help me. I know in my heart that my boy will benefit immensely from having a gentle, loving mum as he is an over thinker like me. I will continue to work hard for him on my personal demons.

I also have been horrified by the situation in Syria and the use of children to ride on tanks and other atrocities that have been reported. It reminds me again of the gift of our affluent lives cushioned as we are, here, down under. I feel that it is important for me to take this gift and make the absolute most of it, the best of it, in respect for those who are suffering if not just for the gift itself. This thinking helps me to let go of little issues and focus on the important aspects of fostering love and compassion.

In order to make the most of this gift I have also been considering what limits we put on ourselves when we dare to dream. I was saying to my husband just yesterday that we shouldn't just think in terms of where we currently live or what we are currently doing but broaden our minds to take in even the most whimsical of thoughts in order to consider the best way for us to embody our passions. We have the opportunity to do what we love so lets make it the best it can be and not put boundaries around it.

Saying that, I have been finding joy in so many little things that I think it doesn't matter where you are, so long as you are mindfully in the moment. I find happiness in sitting at my desk at work, quietly typing away. The peace of working from home when I can, alone in my own space. The laughter of playing board games with my children. The rush after a good, hard, long run. The loving look in my husband's eyes, the joy I feel being with him. Surely the list can be endless.

I do dream of sunshine and a warm place - my usual winter longing. And I wonder about my attachment to people and places, would I give it all away for a beach view?

Ah, so many thoughts passing across the sky that is my mind.

Lost and Found

Had a fabulous night in with a dear girlfriend last night. We often share stories about our experience of motherhood, wife-hood, and balancing our personal passions in life. Something I know to be true is that motherhood (parenthood) has been my making and also my undoing.

Hence, I started to think about how I am in the "lost and found" box at the local swimming pool. I have lost myself in parenthood and also found myself. Tacky? Cliched? Let me explain.

I lost my independence starting at 6 months pregnant when I couldn't move the way I wanted. I found my sense of joy in knowing that I was making a little person inside my body.

I lost my desire for an exciting career and found the desire for a good night's sleep to be so much more important.

I lost my status of breadwinner in the family home and found I could actually rely on others, and it was ok.

I lost myself, my identity as a feminist, a professional, a "successful" woman and found the peace of an afternoon in the sun, the joy of actually getting something done like a clean load of washing on the line.

And again, I lost my independence, my ability to be selfish, to do what I want when I want without considering anyone else. And found that my mother was true, we are all 2 year olds having tantrums when we can't have our way, it is a very thin veneer. I also found that it is better to share the experience of life and to see it in a completely different light, interpreted through those childish eyes that we have forgotten we once had.

I have lost my sense of self, passion and purpose. I found my joy, resilience, and mental toughness.

And what is life but the love we have for each other?

I will not wait for the children to fly the nest before reclaiming my journey in life. I will find the balance of my personal passion and my responsibilities in order to give them an interesting mother.

Children need interesting mothers.

Christmas Crazy Time

How do you get through the Christmas Crazy Time intact? I am feeling pretty proud of myself this year as for the first time in living history (well, since my children were born) I have managed to stay fairly stress-free! I put it all down to my ill health a year ago - isn't that sad?! I am still recovering and have to watch my energy levels which means I put alot of effort into organising myself so that Christmas wouldn't feel so crazy.

I got all my shopping done before the end of November and did it in 1 - 2 hour stints first thing in the morning before the shops got crazy. Did a bit of research and shopping on line which really helps to make things easier and don't we all just love getting a parcel in the mail even when we know what is in it!

I tried my hardest to spread out the Christmas events that we accepted so that the kids and I would have recovery time inbetween - seemed to have worked so far. And now in our last week, on the count down to the big day, I am feeling relaxed and comfortable, ready to enjoy the delights that await me at the end of this week.

Can you tell that Christmas Day isn't at my place this year?? I did have the work Xmas party to organise (went magically well I must say) and have family coming over Xmas Eve, but the big day will be elsewhere and that helps I guess.

By keeping myself calm and only doing what I can, as well as always thinking about how to keep things simple has worked a treat. Here's to five minute meditations, remembering that life is about ups and downs, being aware of what I can handle and what I can't, and the reminder that life is about enjoying every moment.

Happy festive season everyone! May it be full of fun and joy no matter where you are, who you are with and what you are doing.

Find Your Pace & Your Peace

I am going to blur the lines, between this blog and my running blog at runsisterrun.com. Is that allowed? Never mind, something that I wrote on my running blog has stayed with me for the last couple of weeks and is influencing my parenting, so I thought I would share it here with you all.

Here is the excerpt I need to share:

"There is always someone out there that you know. There is always someone running significantly faster than you are and also, someone slower. You have to run your own race for the day and the conditions. You have to trust your training, you have to have the mental resilience to keep on going even when you don't want to. I don't even know what kept me going. I don't remember any specific thoughts other than the usual mix of "you can get through this", "you can run to the line". It never crossed my mind to give up or stop and let me tell you, I was feeling really sick.

And in the end, I might not have reached my race goal, but it was just a race. Just a run. How lucky am I to be able to train for such events, to be able bodied and fit enough to run that far, to have the support of my husband so that I can disappear for hours on end just to run, to have an amazingly supportive family and group of friends who encourage me and share in each others' delights. Truly, I am blessed.

Oh, and I think that I am finally learning that it is not about the speed and your time, it is about that feeling of strength and resilience. It is the translation of the mental and physical resilience into other parts of your life. It is the peace that comes from running long distances."

I feel this is relevant to parenting because we all have to run our own race at our own pace. We all parent differently and our children are different and need different kinds of parenting. 

Some days we need resilience to get us over the line - to get those kids in bed before we lose the plot. Other days we are sailing through, amazed at how good and patient we feel. 

We can always see other parents who we think are doing better than us and others who we judge harshly. But most of all we are all really blessed. Blessed to have our children, to have the personal growth that we get from them, to experience the joy of parenting, to create a strong, safe family environment in which they can blossom. And it isn't about the speed, or the time, it is about the journey. About every moment, both beautiful and frustrating. And the overall peace that comes from travelling the long distance of time together..... 

Important safety note:

Do not spend two hours doing something special for your five year old daughter if you are going to be cranky and frustrated when she doesn't appreciate the effort.

They don't get it.

Do it out of love.

Let go of expectations.

(ok, lecture to self is now over).

Be Gentle

I have been foraying into the bushes and under growth that border my journey of parenthood. Meaning, I have been venturing off the calm, tranquil path into the frenzy of negative emotions particularly frustration and anger.

Having been overseas on my OWN for 11 days, experiencing a myriad of magical moments, did leave me with a short fuse over the last week. I was extremely happy to see my children and delighted in who they were, for an afternoon..... Then the routine of school drop offs, homework, housework, paid work and the usual juggle took over and my tranquility got lost somewhere between the lunch boxes and the washing machine.

During a conversation with my husband over dinner last night, followed up with a sequel over breakfast this morning, it came to me, that in order to do the best by my darling son I could follow the mantra "be gentle". Our eldest is a dreamy boy. Doesn't listen particularly well (selective hearing), only manages to do those things that he is really interested in,  first response to any idea is "no thank you", chooses the path of least resistance, and would sit all day in front of a screen (television, wii, ds, iPhone) if you let him. He also doesn't seem to respond terribly well to my ranting and raving. He just becomes more introverted and distant albeit slightly more compliant. It doesn't help him learn how to be better. I have heard him of late saying things to his younger sister that have come out of my mouth and, man, they sound terrible!

So my plan is to get back on the path. Accept that he is what he is. And who he is now is not a reflection of who he will become. Be gentle in my directions to him to see if he in turn will be gentle to his sister. I believe that the world needs more love so surely I can control my emotional state in order to be more loving to my son in the hopes that he will be more loving.

My mother has always said, "you can only pour in the love and know that it will come out again someday." Truly unconditional. My mantra - "be gentle". And I guess that includes being gentle to myself.

Email from my mother

I was recently on holiday overseas without my children and husband. I got labelled "runaway mum". During my time staying with my girlfriends I emailed my mother about how absolutely wonderful it was to have interesting conversations that weren't interrupted. Here is some of her reply. Pertinent musings from my feminist mother.... I cherish her with all my heart.


"Perhaps you can understand why I loved going to uni so much. Years of deprivation of interesting conversation. I don’t know how you have coped with the mothers group all these years. I preferred loneliness to baby and recipe talk as it was in all those years ago. I never met the childless girls perhaps if I had I would have been stimulated like you.

How I kept myself sane was to tell Dad that I was doing my MA degree, MA as in mother. Unwittingly you choose motherhood but there is a way to go yet. At least you have school hours where you can grab some sanity and no interruptions. But when the children are with you there are still other levels you need to reach. Now they need you in small ways but these become more complicated. You may be dealing with one child of two another of fifty two all at the same time . One wants to know how to do a sum another some historical  question and if you don’t know the aussie history then you get "the look"…...

Some  where along the line you are no longer the expert, your children are….. To add to this confusion there is never a clear demarcation line, just fluctuations along the line leaving you to wonder whether you are the one that might know or not in that particular instant.

As time goes on things do improve and it is a delightful period to have near adults living with you.

On second thoughts , I don’t think that a masters degree covers the personal growth and knowledge you require to weather motherhood. Perhaps it is MA to the power of ten and some days to the power of a hundred. Can you remember how irate your sister would get if I put a power on something because how could I put a mathematical figure on something unmathematical. I would be nearly under the table with laughter at the indignation.

I must tell you that I am reading a book written by Doris Lessing. She was a feminist writer in the 50’s and I am curled up with laughter at how nothing has changed, we are so locked in our culture at this period of time. But we knew that, didn’t we?"