Email from my mother

I was recently on holiday overseas without my children and husband. I got labelled "runaway mum". During my time staying with my girlfriends I emailed my mother about how absolutely wonderful it was to have interesting conversations that weren't interrupted. Here is some of her reply. Pertinent musings from my feminist mother.... I cherish her with all my heart.


"Perhaps you can understand why I loved going to uni so much. Years of deprivation of interesting conversation. I don’t know how you have coped with the mothers group all these years. I preferred loneliness to baby and recipe talk as it was in all those years ago. I never met the childless girls perhaps if I had I would have been stimulated like you.

How I kept myself sane was to tell Dad that I was doing my MA degree, MA as in mother. Unwittingly you choose motherhood but there is a way to go yet. At least you have school hours where you can grab some sanity and no interruptions. But when the children are with you there are still other levels you need to reach. Now they need you in small ways but these become more complicated. You may be dealing with one child of two another of fifty two all at the same time . One wants to know how to do a sum another some historical  question and if you don’t know the aussie history then you get "the look"…...

Some  where along the line you are no longer the expert, your children are….. To add to this confusion there is never a clear demarcation line, just fluctuations along the line leaving you to wonder whether you are the one that might know or not in that particular instant.

As time goes on things do improve and it is a delightful period to have near adults living with you.

On second thoughts , I don’t think that a masters degree covers the personal growth and knowledge you require to weather motherhood. Perhaps it is MA to the power of ten and some days to the power of a hundred. Can you remember how irate your sister would get if I put a power on something because how could I put a mathematical figure on something unmathematical. I would be nearly under the table with laughter at the indignation.

I must tell you that I am reading a book written by Doris Lessing. She was a feminist writer in the 50’s and I am curled up with laughter at how nothing has changed, we are so locked in our culture at this period of time. But we knew that, didn’t we?"

Dog Tired

It has been an exhausting week for me. My 'illness' reared its ugly head in fine form and my darling husband (DH) headed interstate for work. It reminded me of the following:

1) Truly NOTHING is that important that it can't wait until tomorrow if it means you can spend more time cuddling on the couch with the kids.

2) One of the biggest lessons of my life is to make easy dinners that the kids love and your conscience can live with. This significantly reduces the opportunity to yell.

3) Let the kids in on your little secrets. "Mummy is here alone and finding it a little bit tough.  So I need your help to make sure we get everything done so we can get to school on time. Do you think you can help me by ...?"

4) Life is about love and kindness - from friends, to yourself, and for your children.

Just had to get that out. *sigh* Now I can get back to cooking dinner.

:-)

Desire

I am back in the realm of 'patience acceptance'. As muttered about in previous blogs, I have been unwell for a while and this has resulted in a reduction of my (and my family's) living standards. I have had to accept that the house will be a bit of a mess, not all the "jobs" on my list will get done and that after dinner, I stop. Completely. We are talking couch potato like the Superbowl/AFL Grandfinal is on and I am a bloke with a bag of chips and slab of beer.

In order to be able to do this with any kind of sanity, I have had to be accepting of my situation. I have also spent a lot of time considering what life is really about and I am here to remind you of that age old truth, it is NOT about having an immaculate house. It is about cuddles, tickles, laughter, monoply, boggle, tantrums, teeth brushing, good food, dancing, singing off key, making up stories, and general pandemonium and mayhem.

I have been reading my Buddhism for Mothers with Lingering Questions (Sarah Napthali) again and resonate with the belief that it is not our DESIRE for an immaculate house, organised life, polite children (add your own one here) that is our problem, it is how hard we hang on to that desire that is the root of all evil. It is how desperately we cling to our aspirations that makes us unhappy. When I find myself getting all worked up because things aren't perfect the way I want them to be, I flick a switch in my mind and say "oh well, it is what it is". I can do this purely because I know that by grasping for this perfection I am making myself unhappy. Guaranteed my children and husband do not care if there are dirty dishes in the sink. But they do care if I am not present, happy and full of the joy of life.

You choose!

Focus Your Attention

Today I have been reading about dukkha, as in, 'life is dukkha' which translates to 'life is suffering'. What this really means is that life includes suffering, anguish, stress, mild feelings of dis-ease, irritation etc. Dukkha also reflects the gap between what is happening now and what we wish was happening! Oh lordy, I have been there so very often.

Accepting that this is the nature of our imperfect existence is liberating, particularly to a parent, as children make this great noble truth inescapable. Accepting brings inner peace. It also opens us up to two ways of responding.

The first, which is ineffectual over the long term but sometimes necessary, is to accept the nature of our existence through denial. Keeping on smiling even though the world is falling apart around you, and you are uptight and tense inside, because that is just the way it is.

The second, is to make a choice in any given moment as to where you place your attention. You can chose to have a look at what is causing you to feel dukkha by asking yourself questions and sitting with the discomfort. Stepping outside of yourself to have a look at what is happening both externally and within your own mind. Or you can choose to pay attention to the beauty of the moment, focus on your breath, the beauty of your children, a flower, your garden, anything that brings you back to the moment and places your attention somewhere more inspiring.

For me, it all comes back to mindfulness. Can I remove myself from how I am feeling for that brief moment needed in order to divert my attention? It's a bit like a child having a tantie (tantrum), are they too far gone for the standard diversion technique to work? Likely they aren't. I try it on myself all the time.

What inspiring thing takes your attention and helps you to deal with your dukkha?

Those old chestnuts

I received a really heart warming compliment today, about this blog, which reminded me that I haven't been here enough lately. My absence certainly doesn't mean that my personal growth as a parent has also  stalled, in fact, it has been escalating. Between a recurring illness which leaves me tired and exhausted and the summer school holidays, I am walking the tight rope called patience which spans the expanse of screaming and yelling. Anyone else know that place? Someone else dancing the wire with me?

I continually put into practice the good old chestnuts of parenting in order to keep my cool.
1. Enforcing a smile on my face - it is hard to yell when you are smiling.
2. Distraction - either myself or my child - whichever works best at the time.
3. Stepping into their shoes - making myself imagine what it must be like from their perspective.
4. Visiting others in order to "share the love".

Fortunately for me I have also become very aware of my emotional barometer and am a little more forgiving of myself when having one of my bad days. I truly know now that I am doing my best as a parent and it will have to be good enough for my children. We do not know which experiences or things we say are going to stick to their souls so best we make sure that we do our utmost and forgive ourselves, over and over again.

Got any "old chestnuts" to share?

Acceptance

On my way to work on Tuesdsay morning I had a "moment" in my car where it came to me that I needed to be more accepting and allow things to be as they are. I am never sure where these thoughts come from and they happen semi-regularly. Once I was hanging washing on the line in the beautiful sunshine and heard loud and clear that there was no rush, that I didn't have to know what I wanted to be when I grew up, that it would all happen in its own time and that I am relatively young....  But I digress.

My "moment" in the car on Tuesday made me feel very peaceful. A sense of calm draped itself over me and I became sure that for me to feel peace it would be helpful to accept my day for what it would bring. To allow the day to unfold and not fight what might have been transpiring around me.

And it has been with me ever since. I feel much more accepting of the ebb and flow of my work as well as my family. It is incredible to me that just be agreeing with my inner self that I need to be more accepting and allowing, I actually have been! A miraculous feeling I can assure you.

Repeat after me, "it is what it is".     :-)

Is eight really enough?

I had the absolute pleasure of looking after my nieces and nephew last night. They had a sleep over so that my brother and his wife could have some quality time on their 10th wedding anniversary.

I am not a natural mother by any stretch, so the thought of looking after a total of five children as previously filled me with dread and trepidation. I would never had said "no" if asked, but inside I would have been nervous and anxious about my ability to cope.  As my children get older and I get a little wiser (cough!) I know that I can look after five children especially since they are family.

It is wonderful for me to get time with my nieces and nephew so as to build a relationship with them which, I am sure, will benefit all of us as time goes on. It is also so very wonderful for my children to get time with their cousins. My parents were immigrants to Australia so we have no family here other than us and as a result, I have no idea what it would be like to have a clutter of cousins to play with and just hang out. It looks like fun.

Enough background. My important learning this time around is that mothering children as a herd works so much better than the individual parenting that I usually do with my two children. Well, I already knew that, but this time around I paid attention to my emotional state and how it differed from other days and why.

I certainly was less frustrated because I didn't "sweat the small stuff". I found that I was much calmer as a result and the bigger stuff wasn't such an issue because I wasn't already at number 5 on the way to number 1 (that would be blast off). The change in perspective was intriguing. I couldn't afford to be affected by the (now) little stuff because that wouldn't do me any good. Amazing how you can know that when in the situation but not able to execute it when the pressure isn't on you.

And the children certainly worked a lot more out amongst themselves just because they could. If they were upset with one person there was always someone else. They amazingly played together for a long time and even cleaned out the cubbie which took quite some time and a huge coordinated effort. I was very impressed.

Reflecting on it, life is suffering. Both for me as a mother with the children not doing things the way I might have liked but letting that go in favour of dealing with larger issues.  And then for the children, as they might not have liked what was happening in their play and dealing with it. Great that they can experience that in a 'safe' environment such as the extended family unit. Brilliant all 'round. What a fantastic 24 hours.