Those old chestnuts

I received a really heart warming compliment today, about this blog, which reminded me that I haven't been here enough lately. My absence certainly doesn't mean that my personal growth as a parent has also  stalled, in fact, it has been escalating. Between a recurring illness which leaves me tired and exhausted and the summer school holidays, I am walking the tight rope called patience which spans the expanse of screaming and yelling. Anyone else know that place? Someone else dancing the wire with me?

I continually put into practice the good old chestnuts of parenting in order to keep my cool.
1. Enforcing a smile on my face - it is hard to yell when you are smiling.
2. Distraction - either myself or my child - whichever works best at the time.
3. Stepping into their shoes - making myself imagine what it must be like from their perspective.
4. Visiting others in order to "share the love".

Fortunately for me I have also become very aware of my emotional barometer and am a little more forgiving of myself when having one of my bad days. I truly know now that I am doing my best as a parent and it will have to be good enough for my children. We do not know which experiences or things we say are going to stick to their souls so best we make sure that we do our utmost and forgive ourselves, over and over again.

Got any "old chestnuts" to share?

Acceptance

On my way to work on Tuesdsay morning I had a "moment" in my car where it came to me that I needed to be more accepting and allow things to be as they are. I am never sure where these thoughts come from and they happen semi-regularly. Once I was hanging washing on the line in the beautiful sunshine and heard loud and clear that there was no rush, that I didn't have to know what I wanted to be when I grew up, that it would all happen in its own time and that I am relatively young....  But I digress.

My "moment" in the car on Tuesday made me feel very peaceful. A sense of calm draped itself over me and I became sure that for me to feel peace it would be helpful to accept my day for what it would bring. To allow the day to unfold and not fight what might have been transpiring around me.

And it has been with me ever since. I feel much more accepting of the ebb and flow of my work as well as my family. It is incredible to me that just be agreeing with my inner self that I need to be more accepting and allowing, I actually have been! A miraculous feeling I can assure you.

Repeat after me, "it is what it is".     :-)

Is eight really enough?

I had the absolute pleasure of looking after my nieces and nephew last night. They had a sleep over so that my brother and his wife could have some quality time on their 10th wedding anniversary.

I am not a natural mother by any stretch, so the thought of looking after a total of five children as previously filled me with dread and trepidation. I would never had said "no" if asked, but inside I would have been nervous and anxious about my ability to cope.  As my children get older and I get a little wiser (cough!) I know that I can look after five children especially since they are family.

It is wonderful for me to get time with my nieces and nephew so as to build a relationship with them which, I am sure, will benefit all of us as time goes on. It is also so very wonderful for my children to get time with their cousins. My parents were immigrants to Australia so we have no family here other than us and as a result, I have no idea what it would be like to have a clutter of cousins to play with and just hang out. It looks like fun.

Enough background. My important learning this time around is that mothering children as a herd works so much better than the individual parenting that I usually do with my two children. Well, I already knew that, but this time around I paid attention to my emotional state and how it differed from other days and why.

I certainly was less frustrated because I didn't "sweat the small stuff". I found that I was much calmer as a result and the bigger stuff wasn't such an issue because I wasn't already at number 5 on the way to number 1 (that would be blast off). The change in perspective was intriguing. I couldn't afford to be affected by the (now) little stuff because that wouldn't do me any good. Amazing how you can know that when in the situation but not able to execute it when the pressure isn't on you.

And the children certainly worked a lot more out amongst themselves just because they could. If they were upset with one person there was always someone else. They amazingly played together for a long time and even cleaned out the cubbie which took quite some time and a huge coordinated effort. I was very impressed.

Reflecting on it, life is suffering. Both for me as a mother with the children not doing things the way I might have liked but letting that go in favour of dealing with larger issues.  And then for the children, as they might not have liked what was happening in their play and dealing with it. Great that they can experience that in a 'safe' environment such as the extended family unit. Brilliant all 'round. What a fantastic 24 hours.

You've got to be kidding!

My children were fortunate enough to have my parents look after them for a day last weekend. They were fortunate because my parents live a couple of hours away and they don't get quality time with them as regularly as we all would like.

The big lesson that I learnt was that we can sometimes be too serious, and particularly with our children.

My mother (Oma) was reading a book to the children and it was about a little boy who was so very well behaved. Every time she read a line about some fantastic thing he did, for example, tidying up his toys, my mum would turn to the kids and say "where's my bucket, blah!" They looked at her in amazement the first time and then it dawned on them - she was having fun! She was kidding around. Their little eyes lit up and they were in hysterics. Quickly joining in, there was a lot of vomiting going on at our place all of a sudden.

It was pretty hysterical. And it has continued on for quite a few days bringing much joy and laughter to the house.

So I have decided to add more silliness to my interactions with my children as I have always believed that life is about having fun and I haven't been doing enough of it lately.

I have been very serious, keeping everything ticking over - the house, my work, meeting the children's needs. I think someone from the outside might have looked at me and said, "where's my bucket, blah!"

What is your parenting philosophy?

I had one of those transforming conversations last week. The kind where a gentle light bulb goes off in your head. An 'aha' moment. I was chatting to my mum about my parenting and how I had recently felt judged for the way in which I cared for my children.

Let's take a moment to be candid - I too have been guilty of judging others. I don't like feeling judged and yet I sometimes find myself making judgments about other parents. Not good. I am a work in progress on rectifying that one.

Anyway, the comment about my parenting was made by a good friend of mine with great intentions and I wasn't particularly upset by it, but it did cause me some reflection. It gave me pause to assess my beliefs about parenting and what is at the core of my approach. I don't think we get enough time to actually reflect on our parenting, we are too busy doing it!

My mother and I talked about her theory of "keep pouring the love in and it will come out again somewhere, sometime". I love this concept. And I have to admit that it did work for my siblings and I. We are all very caring and compassionate individuals (if I do so say myself). My 'aha' moment came when I realised that I had to be true to myself. I had to be true to my beliefs about the world and what I am wanting from my relationship with my children. I fundamentally believe in the power of compassion.

I have reframed the parenting approach and call it "kindness". I am acting with kindness towards my children. When I start to feel frustrated and annoyed, I take a check of my emotions, calm my mind, and put on my kind voice. The kinder I am to my children, the kinder they will be to each other, their friends and hopefully, over time, the wider community (well, that is the plan).

And why not give it a try! I feel so much better for catching myself and thinking "kindness". This parenting philosophy makes me feel good about the way I treat my children, provides me with many more opportunities for connecting with them on a personal level and building those relationships which will be critical once I hit the chaos of the teenage years.

I still have boundaries - it is not about allowing them to behave badly - it is about addressing those issues with compassion and a quiet voice. I have already seen much improvement in their responses to me. After all, one of the main ways they learn is through modelling behaviour.

I think through why they might be acting the way that they are. It could be that they are tired, over stimulated, haven't eaten enough. There are always a myriad of reasons why children behave badly and it is rare that it is out of some vindictive need to torment their mother no matter how often it feels that must be the case.

Over the past week I have been considerably more attentive to their needs and finding that they are much more considerate of mine (could be imagining things...).

I'll keep you posted as to how it goes, but my husband and I have had a great chat about it and we are agreed. Our parenting approach is first and foremost "kindness". Pour in the love!

Being Seen

The complexity of the playground is not just for when you were a child! Unfortunately, the intricacies of our social structure continue on forever, even when we are parents sizing each other up across the heads of our children.

The school that my son attends is really lovely and I don't have any particular issues with the other mums but I do have to accept that there is still a sense of social hierarchy and appropriateness. We aren't all socially ept or always socially ept and accepting that as a starting point has been very beneficial for me. Interpret that to mean forgiving myself when I am unable to focus on a conversation because I am too busy working out where my younger child has gone or whether I will be able to ask that other mum whether her son wants to come for a play date.

Recently I was reading Buddhism for Mothers of Schoolchildren by Sarah Napthali, in particular, the section on "The Need to be Seen". It resonated for me, not for any conscious need that I have personally 'to be seen', but because I realised that by actually 'seeing' others in the school yard as you drop off and pick up your children, you meet a need within them. And by meeting this need you create a space of shared experiences and connectedness that perhaps helps us all feel a little less self conscious.

I remember when I studied Psychology, I found the idea of "normalising" to be really obvious. That is, when someone expresses an issue you discuss how normal that feeling or situation is and highlight the universal experience. Although we are all unique and special, most of our experiences are not. This helps the other person to feel comfortable expressing their feelings and then to feel ok about what is happening for them.

So it is with "being seen". In that moment when you lock eyes with another person and smile, you are giving a little nod to their inner self, their inner voices, their experiences, and saying "I am so with you, honey!".

After all, we are all in this together. Right?

Mindfulness

It has been interesting to watch just how mindful myself and my husband are with the children. I am absolutely sure that all of us do not pay enough attention to our children. I noticed a number of times when my kids had to say either mum or dad five or more times before we responded.  On the flip side, it is rare for me to get a response from my children without calling out for them more than once!

But for a child, what are they learning or taking on when we don't respond to them as soon as we can? Will they perhaps give up on asking us questions? Do they start to feel that what they have to say is not really valued? I wonder...

I adore Twitter and the lovely community that I have developed there, but it does take me away from my children from time to time and not in a good way.  This could be true of many past times that we have such as watching sports, reading books and magazines, surfing the net for good recipes and the like.

As a mum who also runs a business, I have learnt the value in dividing my day into segments where I focus on particular activities. This includes assigning clear times for my children, my work, my housework, fitness and social time (oh, and my marriage). Like all good mothers, I have to be flexible and know that my days never go to plan. Like right now! Better get back to the children - they are fascinated with my typing and I had better be mindful of them.

What choices are you making in this moment for your relationship with your children?