How do you get through the Christmas Crazy Time intact? I am feeling pretty proud of myself this year as for the first time in living history (well, since my children were born) I have managed to stay fairly stress-free! I put it all down to my ill health a year ago - isn't that sad?! I am still recovering and have to watch my energy levels which means I put alot of effort into organising myself so that Christmas wouldn't feel so crazy.
I got all my shopping done before the end of November and did it in 1 - 2 hour stints first thing in the morning before the shops got crazy. Did a bit of research and shopping on line which really helps to make things easier and don't we all just love getting a parcel in the mail even when we know what is in it!
I tried my hardest to spread out the Christmas events that we accepted so that the kids and I would have recovery time inbetween - seemed to have worked so far. And now in our last week, on the count down to the big day, I am feeling relaxed and comfortable, ready to enjoy the delights that await me at the end of this week.
Can you tell that Christmas Day isn't at my place this year?? I did have the work Xmas party to organise (went magically well I must say) and have family coming over Xmas Eve, but the big day will be elsewhere and that helps I guess.
By keeping myself calm and only doing what I can, as well as always thinking about how to keep things simple has worked a treat. Here's to five minute meditations, remembering that life is about ups and downs, being aware of what I can handle and what I can't, and the reminder that life is about enjoying every moment.
Happy festive season everyone! May it be full of fun and joy no matter where you are, who you are with and what you are doing.
19 December 2011
25 October 2011
Find Your Pace & Your Peace
I am going to blur the lines, between this blog and my running blog at runsisterrun.com. Is that allowed? Never mind, something that I wrote on my running blog has stayed with me for the last couple of weeks and is influencing my parenting, so I thought I would share it here with you all.
Here is the excerpt I need to share:
"There is always someone out there that you know. There is always someone running significantly faster than you are and also, someone slower. You have to run your own race for the day and the conditions. You have to trust your training, you have to have the mental resilience to keep on going even when you don't want to. I don't even know what kept me going. I don't remember any specific thoughts other than the usual mix of "you can get through this", "you can run to the line". It never crossed my mind to give up or stop and let me tell you, I was feeling really sick.
Here is the excerpt I need to share:
"There is always someone out there that you know. There is always someone running significantly faster than you are and also, someone slower. You have to run your own race for the day and the conditions. You have to trust your training, you have to have the mental resilience to keep on going even when you don't want to. I don't even know what kept me going. I don't remember any specific thoughts other than the usual mix of "you can get through this", "you can run to the line". It never crossed my mind to give up or stop and let me tell you, I was feeling really sick.
And in the end, I might not have reached my race goal, but it was just a race. Just a run. How lucky am I to be able to train for such events, to be able bodied and fit enough to run that far, to have the support of my husband so that I can disappear for hours on end just to run, to have an amazingly supportive family and group of friends who encourage me and share in each others' delights. Truly, I am blessed.
Oh, and I think that I am finally learning that it is not about the speed and your time, it is about that feeling of strength and resilience. It is the translation of the mental and physical resilience into other parts of your life. It is the peace that comes from running long distances."
I feel this is relevant to parenting because we all have to run our own race at our own pace. We all parent differently and our children are different and need different kinds of parenting.
Some days we need resilience to get us over the line - to get those kids in bed before we lose the plot. Other days we are sailing through, amazed at how good and patient we feel.
We can always see other parents who we think are doing better than us and others who we judge harshly. But most of all we are all really blessed. Blessed to have our children, to have the personal growth that we get from them, to experience the joy of parenting, to create a strong, safe family environment in which they can blossom. And it isn't about the speed, or the time, it is about the journey. About every moment, both beautiful and frustrating. And the overall peace that comes from travelling the long distance of time together.....
07 September 2011
Important safety note:
Do not spend two hours doing something special for your five year old daughter if you are going to be cranky and frustrated when she doesn't appreciate the effort.
They don't get it.
Do it out of love.
Let go of expectations.
(ok, lecture to self is now over).
They don't get it.
Do it out of love.
Let go of expectations.
(ok, lecture to self is now over).
29 May 2011
Be Gentle
I have been foraying into the bushes and under growth that border my journey of parenthood. Meaning, I have been venturing off the calm, tranquil path into the frenzy of negative emotions particularly frustration and anger.
Having been overseas on my OWN for 11 days, experiencing a myriad of magical moments, did leave me with a short fuse over the last week. I was extremely happy to see my children and delighted in who they were, for an afternoon..... Then the routine of school drop offs, homework, housework, paid work and the usual juggle took over and my tranquility got lost somewhere between the lunch boxes and the washing machine.
During a conversation with my husband over dinner last night, followed up with a sequel over breakfast this morning, it came to me, that in order to do the best by my darling son I could follow the mantra "be gentle". Our eldest is a dreamy boy. Doesn't listen particularly well (selective hearing), only manages to do those things that he is really interested in, first response to any idea is "no thank you", chooses the path of least resistance, and would sit all day in front of a screen (television, wii, ds, iPhone) if you let him. He also doesn't seem to respond terribly well to my ranting and raving. He just becomes more introverted and distant albeit slightly more compliant. It doesn't help him learn how to be better. I have heard him of late saying things to his younger sister that have come out of my mouth and, man, they sound terrible!
So my plan is to get back on the path. Accept that he is what he is. And who he is now is not a reflection of who he will become. Be gentle in my directions to him to see if he in turn will be gentle to his sister. I believe that the world needs more love so surely I can control my emotional state in order to be more loving to my son in the hopes that he will be more loving.
My mother has always said, "you can only pour in the love and know that it will come out again someday." Truly unconditional. My mantra - "be gentle". And I guess that includes being gentle to myself.
Having been overseas on my OWN for 11 days, experiencing a myriad of magical moments, did leave me with a short fuse over the last week. I was extremely happy to see my children and delighted in who they were, for an afternoon..... Then the routine of school drop offs, homework, housework, paid work and the usual juggle took over and my tranquility got lost somewhere between the lunch boxes and the washing machine.
During a conversation with my husband over dinner last night, followed up with a sequel over breakfast this morning, it came to me, that in order to do the best by my darling son I could follow the mantra "be gentle". Our eldest is a dreamy boy. Doesn't listen particularly well (selective hearing), only manages to do those things that he is really interested in, first response to any idea is "no thank you", chooses the path of least resistance, and would sit all day in front of a screen (television, wii, ds, iPhone) if you let him. He also doesn't seem to respond terribly well to my ranting and raving. He just becomes more introverted and distant albeit slightly more compliant. It doesn't help him learn how to be better. I have heard him of late saying things to his younger sister that have come out of my mouth and, man, they sound terrible!
So my plan is to get back on the path. Accept that he is what he is. And who he is now is not a reflection of who he will become. Be gentle in my directions to him to see if he in turn will be gentle to his sister. I believe that the world needs more love so surely I can control my emotional state in order to be more loving to my son in the hopes that he will be more loving.
My mother has always said, "you can only pour in the love and know that it will come out again someday." Truly unconditional. My mantra - "be gentle". And I guess that includes being gentle to myself.
24 May 2011
Email from my mother
I was recently on holiday overseas without my children and husband. I got labelled "runaway mum". During my time staying with my girlfriends I emailed my mother about how absolutely wonderful it was to have interesting conversations that weren't interrupted. Here is some of her reply. Pertinent musings from my feminist mother.... I cherish her with all my heart.
"Perhaps you can understand why I loved going to uni so much. Years of deprivation of interesting conversation. I don’t know how you have coped with the mothers group all these years. I preferred loneliness to baby and recipe talk as it was in all those years ago. I never met the childless girls perhaps if I had I would have been stimulated like you.
How I kept myself sane was to tell Dad that I was doing my MA degree, MA as in mother. Unwittingly you choose motherhood but there is a way to go yet. At least you have school hours where you can grab some sanity and no interruptions. But when the children are with you there are still other levels you need to reach. Now they need you in small ways but these become more complicated. You may be dealing with one child of two another of fifty two all at the same time . One wants to know how to do a sum another some historical question and if you don’t know the aussie history then you get "the look"…...
Some where along the line you are no longer the expert, your children are….. To add to this confusion there is never a clear demarcation line, just fluctuations along the line leaving you to wonder whether you are the one that might know or not in that particular instant.
As time goes on things do improve and it is a delightful period to have near adults living with you.
On second thoughts , I don’t think that a masters degree covers the personal growth and knowledge you require to weather motherhood. Perhaps it is MA to the power of ten and some days to the power of a hundred. Can you remember how irate your sister would get if I put a power on something because how could I put a mathematical figure on something unmathematical. I would be nearly under the table with laughter at the indignation.
I must tell you that I am reading a book written by Doris Lessing. She was a feminist writer in the 50’s and I am curled up with laughter at how nothing has changed, we are so locked in our culture at this period of time. But we knew that, didn’t we?"
"Perhaps you can understand why I loved going to uni so much. Years of deprivation of interesting conversation. I don’t know how you have coped with the mothers group all these years. I preferred loneliness to baby and recipe talk as it was in all those years ago. I never met the childless girls perhaps if I had I would have been stimulated like you.
How I kept myself sane was to tell Dad that I was doing my MA degree, MA as in mother. Unwittingly you choose motherhood but there is a way to go yet. At least you have school hours where you can grab some sanity and no interruptions. But when the children are with you there are still other levels you need to reach. Now they need you in small ways but these become more complicated. You may be dealing with one child of two another of fifty two all at the same time . One wants to know how to do a sum another some historical question and if you don’t know the aussie history then you get "the look"…...
Some where along the line you are no longer the expert, your children are….. To add to this confusion there is never a clear demarcation line, just fluctuations along the line leaving you to wonder whether you are the one that might know or not in that particular instant.
As time goes on things do improve and it is a delightful period to have near adults living with you.
On second thoughts , I don’t think that a masters degree covers the personal growth and knowledge you require to weather motherhood. Perhaps it is MA to the power of ten and some days to the power of a hundred. Can you remember how irate your sister would get if I put a power on something because how could I put a mathematical figure on something unmathematical. I would be nearly under the table with laughter at the indignation.
I must tell you that I am reading a book written by Doris Lessing. She was a feminist writer in the 50’s and I am curled up with laughter at how nothing has changed, we are so locked in our culture at this period of time. But we knew that, didn’t we?"
02 April 2011
Dog Tired
It has been an exhausting week for me. My 'illness' reared its ugly head in fine form and my darling husband (DH) headed interstate for work. It reminded me of the following:
1) Truly NOTHING is that important that it can't wait until tomorrow if it means you can spend more time cuddling on the couch with the kids.
2) One of the biggest lessons of my life is to make easy dinners that the kids love and your conscience can live with. This significantly reduces the opportunity to yell.
3) Let the kids in on your little secrets. "Mummy is here alone and finding it a little bit tough. So I need your help to make sure we get everything done so we can get to school on time. Do you think you can help me by ...?"
4) Life is about love and kindness - from friends, to yourself, and for your children.
Just had to get that out. *sigh* Now I can get back to cooking dinner.
:-)
1) Truly NOTHING is that important that it can't wait until tomorrow if it means you can spend more time cuddling on the couch with the kids.
2) One of the biggest lessons of my life is to make easy dinners that the kids love and your conscience can live with. This significantly reduces the opportunity to yell.
3) Let the kids in on your little secrets. "Mummy is here alone and finding it a little bit tough. So I need your help to make sure we get everything done so we can get to school on time. Do you think you can help me by ...?"
4) Life is about love and kindness - from friends, to yourself, and for your children.
Just had to get that out. *sigh* Now I can get back to cooking dinner.
:-)
11 March 2011
Desire
I am back in the realm of 'patience acceptance'. As muttered about in previous blogs, I have been unwell for a while and this has resulted in a reduction of my (and my family's) living standards. I have had to accept that the house will be a bit of a mess, not all the "jobs" on my list will get done and that after dinner, I stop. Completely. We are talking couch potato like the Superbowl/AFL Grandfinal is on and I am a bloke with a bag of chips and slab of beer.
In order to be able to do this with any kind of sanity, I have had to be accepting of my situation. I have also spent a lot of time considering what life is really about and I am here to remind you of that age old truth, it is NOT about having an immaculate house. It is about cuddles, tickles, laughter, monoply, boggle, tantrums, teeth brushing, good food, dancing, singing off key, making up stories, and general pandemonium and mayhem.
I have been reading my Buddhism for Mothers with Lingering Questions (Sarah Napthali) again and resonate with the belief that it is not our DESIRE for an immaculate house, organised life, polite children (add your own one here) that is our problem, it is how hard we hang on to that desire that is the root of all evil. It is how desperately we cling to our aspirations that makes us unhappy. When I find myself getting all worked up because things aren't perfect the way I want them to be, I flick a switch in my mind and say "oh well, it is what it is". I can do this purely because I know that by grasping for this perfection I am making myself unhappy. Guaranteed my children and husband do not care if there are dirty dishes in the sink. But they do care if I am not present, happy and full of the joy of life.
You choose!
In order to be able to do this with any kind of sanity, I have had to be accepting of my situation. I have also spent a lot of time considering what life is really about and I am here to remind you of that age old truth, it is NOT about having an immaculate house. It is about cuddles, tickles, laughter, monoply, boggle, tantrums, teeth brushing, good food, dancing, singing off key, making up stories, and general pandemonium and mayhem.
I have been reading my Buddhism for Mothers with Lingering Questions (Sarah Napthali) again and resonate with the belief that it is not our DESIRE for an immaculate house, organised life, polite children (add your own one here) that is our problem, it is how hard we hang on to that desire that is the root of all evil. It is how desperately we cling to our aspirations that makes us unhappy. When I find myself getting all worked up because things aren't perfect the way I want them to be, I flick a switch in my mind and say "oh well, it is what it is". I can do this purely because I know that by grasping for this perfection I am making myself unhappy. Guaranteed my children and husband do not care if there are dirty dishes in the sink. But they do care if I am not present, happy and full of the joy of life.
You choose!
05 February 2011
Focus Your Attention
Today I have been reading about dukkha, as in, 'life is dukkha' which translates to 'life is suffering'. What this really means is that life includes suffering, anguish, stress, mild feelings of dis-ease, irritation etc. Dukkha also reflects the gap between what is happening now and what we wish was happening! Oh lordy, I have been there so very often.
Accepting that this is the nature of our imperfect existence is liberating, particularly to a parent, as children make this great noble truth inescapable. Accepting brings inner peace. It also opens us up to two ways of responding.
The first, which is ineffectual over the long term but sometimes necessary, is to accept the nature of our existence through denial. Keeping on smiling even though the world is falling apart around you, and you are uptight and tense inside, because that is just the way it is.
The second, is to make a choice in any given moment as to where you place your attention. You can chose to have a look at what is causing you to feel dukkha by asking yourself questions and sitting with the discomfort. Stepping outside of yourself to have a look at what is happening both externally and within your own mind. Or you can choose to pay attention to the beauty of the moment, focus on your breath, the beauty of your children, a flower, your garden, anything that brings you back to the moment and places your attention somewhere more inspiring.
For me, it all comes back to mindfulness. Can I remove myself from how I am feeling for that brief moment needed in order to divert my attention? It's a bit like a child having a tantie (tantrum), are they too far gone for the standard diversion technique to work? Likely they aren't. I try it on myself all the time.
What inspiring thing takes your attention and helps you to deal with your dukkha?
Accepting that this is the nature of our imperfect existence is liberating, particularly to a parent, as children make this great noble truth inescapable. Accepting brings inner peace. It also opens us up to two ways of responding.
The first, which is ineffectual over the long term but sometimes necessary, is to accept the nature of our existence through denial. Keeping on smiling even though the world is falling apart around you, and you are uptight and tense inside, because that is just the way it is.
The second, is to make a choice in any given moment as to where you place your attention. You can chose to have a look at what is causing you to feel dukkha by asking yourself questions and sitting with the discomfort. Stepping outside of yourself to have a look at what is happening both externally and within your own mind. Or you can choose to pay attention to the beauty of the moment, focus on your breath, the beauty of your children, a flower, your garden, anything that brings you back to the moment and places your attention somewhere more inspiring.
For me, it all comes back to mindfulness. Can I remove myself from how I am feeling for that brief moment needed in order to divert my attention? It's a bit like a child having a tantie (tantrum), are they too far gone for the standard diversion technique to work? Likely they aren't. I try it on myself all the time.
What inspiring thing takes your attention and helps you to deal with your dukkha?
24 January 2011
Those old chestnuts
I received a really heart warming compliment today, about this blog, which reminded me that I haven't been here enough lately. My absence certainly doesn't mean that my personal growth as a parent has also stalled, in fact, it has been escalating. Between a recurring illness which leaves me tired and exhausted and the summer school holidays, I am walking the tight rope called patience which spans the expanse of screaming and yelling. Anyone else know that place? Someone else dancing the wire with me?
I continually put into practice the good old chestnuts of parenting in order to keep my cool.
1. Enforcing a smile on my face - it is hard to yell when you are smiling.
2. Distraction - either myself or my child - whichever works best at the time.
3. Stepping into their shoes - making myself imagine what it must be like from their perspective.
4. Visiting others in order to "share the love".
Fortunately for me I have also become very aware of my emotional barometer and am a little more forgiving of myself when having one of my bad days. I truly know now that I am doing my best as a parent and it will have to be good enough for my children. We do not know which experiences or things we say are going to stick to their souls so best we make sure that we do our utmost and forgive ourselves, over and over again.
Got any "old chestnuts" to share?
I continually put into practice the good old chestnuts of parenting in order to keep my cool.
1. Enforcing a smile on my face - it is hard to yell when you are smiling.
2. Distraction - either myself or my child - whichever works best at the time.
3. Stepping into their shoes - making myself imagine what it must be like from their perspective.
4. Visiting others in order to "share the love".
Fortunately for me I have also become very aware of my emotional barometer and am a little more forgiving of myself when having one of my bad days. I truly know now that I am doing my best as a parent and it will have to be good enough for my children. We do not know which experiences or things we say are going to stick to their souls so best we make sure that we do our utmost and forgive ourselves, over and over again.
Got any "old chestnuts" to share?
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